earthquake aftermath in me, in what happens to be a pathetic feeling of false bliss

Havent´t felt this shitty in a long time. He appeared and it was a good feeling out of the blue that later hit like an earthquake in the middle of a real earthquake.
The devastation, the death, and the desperation of victims are a huge black hole in the universe of fear that we all have. Anxious sleepless nights become nightmares once we manage to fall defeated by exhaustion. I have tried to help as much as I can, but what needs to be done is just too much. There are many heroes outside in the streets, removing debris, feeding volunteers, not sleeping, healing the wounded, giving away half of what they have so it can help those who lost it all.
My heart feels shrunk, and then some. My idiocy played me again. He came with the earthquake and for one day (my birthday oddly), i was not alone, except I was. But i forgot about it.
For one day.
 I don´t want to forget it again because when I remember, it makes it worst.
Tomorrow I´ll be better off, on a path I know to be certain. But for today I have allowed myself into self pity, just because I fucking can.


Dec

The shadow within

Last night there was another nightmare, this is old news, but when put in context, it calls for my  immediate attention. I have been in trouble for the last month, due to problems in my lower back. Spent most of the last two months, in bed, in pain, unable to walk, i´ve been limping my way through my rut for the last days. My muscles were swollen and sore, as if trying to punish me for being deaf to their call.
But back to last night, the dream had me walking through some relative´s house and feeling anger and despair about me not being able to have my father buy me a house just like that. It´s dumb, as always, but they say that the feelings surfacing in dreams are what matter. In my conscious life, that is not something i care about, i don´t feel that lost, or even anger towards my broken jdeal of what a father should have been and wasn´t . I have made peace with it and I have told myself once and again that i am over that , and don´t even care anymore.
The thing is, this pain, this inability to move, to walk, to bend, to be flexible, might be a glimpse of the shadow within, all those feelings surfacing in the physical world. like they did once 6 years ago.
Being afraid, and lost, and worried to a point of complete lack of focus, angry at times with the state of things, all this has me exhausted and has come to a point where i feel fragmented. I am nowhere complete. There´s only pieces of me scattered everywhere, dragging themselves around, trying to get by.  I need to be one again.

song in the background: xiu xiu_sycamore tree/ twin peaks