The shadow within

Last night there was another nightmare, this is old news, but when put in context, it calls for my  immediate attention. I have been in trouble for the last month, due to problems in my lower back. Spent most of the last two months, in bed, in pain, unable to walk, i´ve been limping my way through my rut for the last days. My muscles were swollen and sore, as if trying to punish me for being deaf to their call.
But back to last night, the dream had me walking through some relative´s house and feeling anger and despair about me not being able to have my father buy me a house just like that. It´s dumb, as always, but they say that the feelings surfacing in dreams are what matter. In my conscious life, that is not something i care about, i don´t feel that lost, or even anger towards my broken jdeal of what a father should have been and wasn´t . I have made peace with it and I have told myself once and again that i am over that , and don´t even care anymore.
The thing is, this pain, this inability to move, to walk, to bend, to be flexible, might be a glimpse of the shadow within, all those feelings surfacing in the physical world. like they did once 6 years ago.
Being afraid, and lost, and worried to a point of complete lack of focus, angry at times with the state of things, all this has me exhausted and has come to a point where i feel fragmented. I am nowhere complete. There´s only pieces of me scattered everywhere, dragging themselves around, trying to get by.  I need to be one again.

song in the background: xiu xiu_sycamore tree/ twin peaks