earthquake aftermath in me, in what happens to be a pathetic feeling of false bliss

Havent´t felt this shitty in a long time. He appeared and it was a good feeling out of the blue that later hit like an earthquake in the middle of a real earthquake.
The devastation, the death, and the desperation of victims are a huge black hole in the universe of fear that we all have. Anxious sleepless nights become nightmares once we manage to fall defeated by exhaustion. I have tried to help as much as I can, but what needs to be done is just too much. There are many heroes outside in the streets, removing debris, feeding volunteers, not sleeping, healing the wounded, giving away half of what they have so it can help those who lost it all.
My heart feels shrunk, and then some. My idiocy played me again. He came with the earthquake and for one day (my birthday oddly), i was not alone, except I was. But i forgot about it.
For one day.
 I don´t want to forget it again because when I remember, it makes it worst.
Tomorrow I´ll be better off, on a path I know to be certain. But for today I have allowed myself into self pity, just because I fucking can.


Dec