2018 Random thoughts

First days of this new year.

A much needed rest came in the form of long days and nights of anxiety. The reason?
I can´t really make it out. It's a whole bunch of reasons glued together like a dark cloud that becomes stronger at night. This is nothing new but there are nights where I don´t have the strength anymore.
I wish I could be more of a positive influence to those around me but these last days my mind is all over the place and I just can´t focus.

 I feel uncertainty towards someone that lately has become a lightening presence in my routine, because I want to be there, but I am a bit scared, being so emotional when I become attached, I can´t help it but to feel afraid of precisely that, becoming too attached and then ending up with a heartache or plainly disappointed. That´s cowardice I know, but after my last experiences in that realm, it makes me anxious. And to be honest, I think about him a lot, I long for his warm embrace and just hearing his voice. That anxiety disappears all of the sudden when I am with him, and that just throws me off so bad. Until I start feeling stupid and vulnerable again.

I guess a lot is going to change this year, I think my roomie is gonna leave the apartment since we are not talking anymore. It is a little saddening to realize out of the blue, that someone you considered a friend, can be so mean to you, just because you don´t love them the way you they want you to. I can say I understand to a certain extent. But it still makes me unsettled.

There are so many projects I need and want to get going this year, and for some reason everything feels "stuck", paused, and the more I try to clear my mind, the more the nightmares and night terrors take over leaving me tired and numb minded.

Last May, while being in San Francisco I had some sort of "realization", when I was feeling overwhelmed by the problems going around me and then for one minute I felt the breeze of the sea, heard the seagulls and the cold hit my face in a caressing way. I felt actually there, in whole, no depression for the past, no anxiety about the future, just there. I cried a little because it felt like freedom and absolute happiness. It was refreshing. And brief. I want all the people I love to feel the same way all the time, but even for me, that feeling seems so far away now, even tho I experienced it only a couple months ago.

There is always music. When things feel a bit hopeless, there is always the perfect soundtrack to keep us on our feet. May this year be full of it. May we all understand that we deserve love, the good kind of it. May we believe in ourselves and be proud of our choices even tho deep inside we doubt and fear. I want to trust we will.

Dec

Youme & Meyou_ Einstürzende Neubauten