I LIVED ON THE MOON

I lived on the moon (Originally posted in May 12 2010)


As I listen to the music I try to explain to myself why I haven't written in such long time If I've been feeling a lot. A lot of the same. Maybe that's my answer. I haven't even grabbed my guitar in the past week, even tho I feel so charged with emotion. These are all the same. The nightmares haven't disappeared, they won't let me sleep, the doubt, loneliness, anger, sadness, regret and hurt stains on my pillow.
My days seem to be an eternal waiting room before I enter the bed so I can roll around helplessly.
What else can I write about this that I haven written before? I am become tired of myself. Of this me. I have cried, I have tried, I have denied and neglected that this is happening to me. I'm no teenager. I should know better by now.
I have been harsh to myself also. self recriminating. And what have I accomplished?
Absolutely nothing.

Far away seem those days when I got a reward from my frustration. It always gave me something in return, a song, a moment, a paragraph.
Now it's all empty, me, my surroundings, my hands.
It's all a huge amount of nothing, gray nothing.
This is why I want to leave, to prove to myself I can be miserable somewhere else and still make something out of it, not just whine and kick like a baby lost in the super market waiting to be found.

I cannot find excitement anymore anywhere, I have made myself so empty and I have died so much in the past weeks that the whole world seems empty and dead in my eyes. And what hurts the most is that I really don't care. And there's nothing better to make you feel lonely than losing this sense of connection and caring towards the world and people. Sometimes I don't want to be part of their lives anymore because I don't like them being part of mine.
Is that selfish or is it the opposite?

Because I never saw myself as someone selfish. Instead I've always put other people's interests before my own, expecting nothing in return and actually getting nothing in return.
Have I wasted really so much time?
This is like waking up from a dream I've been having for years but couldn't participate.
Where's this gonna lead me?
Just a bunch of questions I didn't want to ask.
I lived on the moon and now I crashed and burned.